The First Suit Of The Season

The first one is soooo hard. Even if you have one from last year that you can still wear. I, unfortunately, have been a little hard on my suit. Swimming, jet skiing, you know...water fun.

That and the massive chubbiness of my thighs.

Now...please don't start with all the...'but you are not fat' (because that would be untrue), 'but you look just fine' (that may be true but I'm still 40 pounds heavier than I was 10 years ago and that it HARD). I don't have a self esteem problem. That should be obvious.

So, back to the thighs.

I have swim suit top that I feel comfortable in and I went to the...gulp...mall, yes the mall. I went to the mall to see if I could find a pair of swim shorts. You know...something with a bit more coverage.

We are going to Texas to see the folks. We spend all day on our suits. In and out of the water. You better have something you feel comfortable wearing all day.

Why are all the big girl suits so...ugly. I mean, crazy girl from the group home, ugly. You know...something you'd tease your mom for if she went out in public wearing. Yea...like that.

And the lighting in the dressing rooms...I am certain that you cannot see every fat wrinkle on my chubby thighs in regular lighting. Who does that to us poor souls searching for a suit that isn't so damaging to the ego.

This getting older has been quite an experience.

Yesterday MUD had a post with some pictures of my mother, my aunt and himself. I scrolled back and forth looking at their faces. Wrinkled, sure. Fuller than when they were young, yep. And I thought...I wonder how they feel, inside. I don't feel much different than I did in my early 20's.

Maybe a few aches in places that haven't ached before. Maybe less worried about money and jobs. More content in my everyday life. But inside I'm still the young girl who enjoyed being different, stronger than was good for me, often more comfortable around people I didn't know than around folks I did.

The essence of me is then same. And I suspect that the essence of Mom, Sue and MUD is the same.

And then I put on the swim bottoms in the bad lighting at the mall.

And I realized that the inside of me is the same. But dang...the outside is taking a real hit.