Sunday, July 20, 2008

The Lives We Planned

The Pioneer Woman has a post up today with answers to a question she posed. "Does your life resemble the life you used to imagine for yourself, and whether you mourn your former vision for your life or embrace the unexpected."

Well doesn't that just open up all kinds of thoughts...

When I was 23 I was newly married, working diligently to become a world class athlete, not working very hard at preparing for my future. I was soooo young. I didn't think much at all about the future. I just lived in the present.

I was estranged from my dad. A source of hurt and hard to articulate.

I think back and wish I could do a few things differently. If I married my ex-husband I would have been a different wife. More in tune to what he wanted and needed in his life. Now, that is not to say that he wouldn't have become the creep he became but...if I had been a different wife, he may have been a different husband.

I wish I had been more in tune with what I wanted/needed to do career wise. I might have gotten an earlier start.

But I was so focused on my training. And that was an experience I would not trade for anything. And it prepared me to be the coach I have become.

When I was 33 I was divorced, still hopeful that I would find a partner and begin a family. I always imagined that I would have loads of kids. At 33 that was still an option. But I learned enough in my ill fated marriage that I knew what mistakes NOT to make.

I was in a new job. A challenging, male dominated profession. One that allowed me to use my physical strength as well as my mind. Who knew that it would be such a great fit.

I was beginning to stretch as a coach. Something I think I was really meant to do. I loved the kids and I loved coaching.

My darling doggies were young and I spent many hours walking with them through the woods around the dog park. Some of my favorite memories.

My dad and I had begun repairing our relationship. In no small part due to the encouragement of my stepmom. A lady I thank god for bringing to our family. There is no measure of the healing she has facilitated.

I was struggling to connect with my mom. She loved me but I'm not sure she knew what to make of me.

I often felt very lonely.

Now I'm 43. No kids. No hubbby. Old dogs...still darling but old. Same job. Same coaching...just more of it.

I own a home. I have a kick ass family. (one family member is sitting across the room from me now, slathered in sunscreen, eating cold pizza, watching Sponge Bob and waiting for the pool to fill) The most amazing, diverse group of friends. Great things are going on at the rowing club. I'm very proud of the things we've accomplished.

My dad and I are close again. We gather often as a family in Texas where he lives. He has really tried hard to become the dad we needed. I needed.

My Mom and I are very in tune. She gets me. Finally. She and my stepdad are so much fun to be around. I feel very blessed.

My sister was kind enough to have two unbelievable boys. She lets me have them whenever I want and they seem to enjoy spending time with me. It's almost like having my own kids...only better...they go home when I'm tired of them.

And I am never lonely.

My life does not resemble the vision I had...but I do not mourn.

I really wouldn't change a thing.


MUD said...

And, we love you for who you are and am glad to see that you have Grandchildren to spoil and send home without the stretch marks. I too am glad that you can re hook up with Gene without losing your relationship with Carol.
We need to get the bunch together sometime.

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you. You kick ass and always are wonderful to your friends and relatives. Love you much. Aunt Sue

Kathy said...

Wow! Some really intense questions and deep thoughts...

I'm really not sure if I had a vision for my life when I was younger. Expectations? I don't think I could have clearly articulated much of anything then and am apparently having some difficulty now.

I know I enjoy my life, my husband, my family, my friends, my animals. I really love my home. It's my favorite place to be.

So I guess I've done okay.

I'll have to keep thinking on this one!